Remember when you were a little kid, and if you just stuck your mind to something, you could solve the world’s problems?
Take, for instance, my old coworker’s kid. He got in trouble once because he threw some utensils in the living room. They gave him time-out. During the time-out, his mom feigned ultimate sadness because his parents were not your normal time-out parents and he clearly wasn’t getting the whole “You have to stay in the corner and quietly think about what you did” thing. She enacted lying down on the couch saying she was disappointed and sad. He kept looking at her from the corner. He then walked over, tore some paper towels off the tube, and started covering her in a blanket of Bounty.
“See?” he asked Mommy. “Don’t you feel better, Mommy? This will make it better.”
Yes, let’s just cover the economy in paper towels and all will be well!
I remember having willy-nilly thoughts like this that were actually pretty abstract for whatever-year old I was. (I think the world’s stupidest question is “What’s your first memory?” because who the Hell knows how old they were when they discovered that flushing things down the toilet was FUN? If you know the numbers, you probably weren’t enjoying the milestone.)
There was one day when I was young and impish, and I must have just been sort of exposed to survivalism or something existential, because I told my mom I knew how to end the need for animal testing in makeup and medicine.
“I think people who want to commit suicide should be used for testing. Because even if something happens to them, they want to die anyway.” I remember her laughing and saying something to the effect of, “It’s not that simple.”
Well, excuse me, Mom, but I think it truly is! I mean, people who want to commit suicide want to die, are ready to die, and we may as well just give them something to die for, yaknow? Aren’t they feeling purposeless? Using the Mayka Mei Model of Macabre Testing Subject Procurement, their lives are not ended in vain. They give back to their community.
And they save all those bunnies and monkeys from being the test tube guinea pigs.
I really had it down.