No, it doesn’t exist yet. But if it’s in the works, I hope you’ve added theMaykazine to your daily dose of RSS, Bravo execs!
You already know Bravo is often my background noise of choice, simply fueling my love-hate relationship with TV. Today rain hit the earlier part of the day, so as I bummed around cooped up in my room, the same ol’ commercials punctuated mini-breaks from the same ol’ Real Housewives drama. I noticed Bravo’s upcoming Top Chef spinoff, Top Chef Masters, has a Korean American host, and largely because I was making a vested effort to ignore Kelly Rowland as the other new host for their Project Runway spinoff, I started imagining what Real Housewives of San Francisco would look like.
I see three Asian ladies, one Indian lady, and one Middle Eastern lady… (This is all tongue-in-cheek imagination. Stereotypes abound!)
Mrs. Chou’s son is applying to colleges. His “reach” schools are covered in ivy. His fallback: Berkeley. Problem: He totally lacks personality and his cookie-cutter swimming-piano-4.0 resume doesn’t help. Mrs. Chou shells out the big bucks for a “professional” to liven up his personal statement. And Cucci purses.
Allison is a business owner socialite. Realtor. Married, but prefers to be known as Allison – Because, let’s be honest, her and her semiconductor husband are together merely as a formality. Treasurer of the Korean American Professional Women’s Association who regularly meets for happy hours. Whooh! No kids, because she’s obsessed with being young!
Maddie Osaka Garrison is “married” to her baby daddy, Mr. Ben Garrison. They haven’t gotten officially hitched because they want to stand up for their LGBTQ peoples, though they are raising a two-year old Eurasian cutie pie named Taylor. Maddie, original birth name, Masako, has her own jewelry line.
Jasminder Gupta runs the American branch of her family’s import-export business. Her daughter is also applying for college, but unlike Mrs. Chou’s son (He goes to Lowell, a public school – Ick!), Riju attends the San Francisco School for the Arts where she’s perfecting her craft of singing. Jasminder would like Riju to sing at Stanford, graduate, and go into something practical. Maybe entertainment law.
Nadia is in her late twenties. She does not have a formal job, but does organize for a handful of Iranian American charities. She lives with her parents while she completes business school, but spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. She has the most fantastic shoe collection, ever.
And then, and then, and then – For the pilot, they’re all insanely late for a soiree-ish event that’s really just a Bravo kickoff masked as someone’s dinner banquet. Eventually the Mercedes roll in to Allison’s huge custom-built monster house in the Fremont hills. (Fremont isn’t San Francisco, but no respectable person from Fremont would say they’re from Fremont to a scouting Bravo casting director.) There’s alcohol at this “adult party,” supplied by Mrs. Chou’s silent investments in some obscure Napa winery. There is a room set aside for all the kids, except for Taylor who is playing with her wood-only toys with the Garrisons’ au pair.
The real drama, the stuff that Bravo reality TV commercial teasers are made of, is when Riju sneaks her emo rocker interest of the moment into the party. Sneaky! Will Jasminder find Riju making out with a Mexican boy?? Whatever, the only reason Riju was at that stupid party was because her car’s been in the shop since one particularly mysterious night. If she just had her Lexus, she’d totally be at a Hawthorne Heights concert with her “boyfriend”! Mrs. Chou’s son is left playing video games among a bunch of other pseudo-family friends’ kids. He pretty much wins everything. But still has no personality.
At the end of the night Nadia gets pissed because her shoes are missing from the pile by the front door. (That was for all you Sex and the City fans. And everyone else who had to take off their shoes before they passed the foyer of the house.) If she doesn’t find her shoes, her boyfriend will think she’s cheating on him. (He’s at the hookah bar, a side project of his.) She’s supposed to meet up with him later, what’s she going to do??
Doode, seriously, this stuff writes itself.
Shit’s gonna hit the fan!! Watch what happens.