One of the most pass-around-the-office-worthy links of Friday. Spot the real BP PR amongst the satirical @BPGlobalPR!
1. “We regretfully admit that something has happened off the Gulf Coast. More to come.”
2. “What the hell did we do to deserve this?”
3. “Are people mad at us for drilling in the ocean? Maybe God shouldn’t have put oil there in the first place.”
4. “We will fix it. I guarantee it. The only question is we do not know when.”
5. “The environmental impact of this disaster is likely to have been very, very modest.”
6. “Here’s the thing: we made $45 million A DAY in profits in 2009. This really isn’t a big deal.”
7. “Catastrophe is a strong word, let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.”
8. “There’s no one who wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.”
9. “We’re all disappointed that the “top kill” operation didn’t work. We failed to wrestle this beast to the ground.”
10. “All ideas for alternative solutions welcome on (281) 366-5511.”
11. “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”
12. “At night the gulf really doesn’t look that bad.”
13. “You don’t go drilling 5,000 feet underwater with the tools you want, you do it with the tools you have.”
14. “We will only win this if we can win the hearts and minds of the local community. It’s a big challenge.”
15. “People are upset, so we are working nonstop to make as many ‘BP cares’ shirts as we can.”
16. “Food poisoning is a really big issue when you got a concentration of this number of people in temporary camps, temporary accommodation. It’s something we have to be very, very mindful of.”
17. “So, I actually haven’t been watching the [live feed] video.”
18. “I actually don’t know, this moment, what we’re actually doing.”
19. “We are dedicated to helping the wildlife in the gulf. Any birds that need cleaning must report to 287 Quartemain St., Baton Rouge, LA 70801.”
20. “Louisiana isn’t the only place that has shrimp.”
Answers here: BP’s Global PR vs. BPGlobalPR – Newsweek.
My favorite is “The environmental impact of this disaster is likely to have been very, very modest,” from the real BP Global PR. I want to work “very, very modest” into my everyday colloquialisms. I’m not even sure what it actually means, but I think it’s synonymous with “kind of possibly 50%.”
I dig your bikini, Megan Fox, it is very, very modest.